March 20, 2012

Breaking Down

I wrote this a couple weeks ago.
We were having a rough time of it.
Things are better at this particular moment, but I still thought someone could benefit from this.

It was another one of those days.  Woke up feeling sandpaper under my eyes.  Two poopy diapers before 8:30. Three outfit changes too.  Not for me, though.  I didn't shower until 1.  Spent half the day wishing I could go back to bed.  Then I told myself it just wasn't going to happen, so get over it.  Somehow that didn't work.

I think I fed the tiniest one at least every hour and half (we have a serious snacking problem) and told the slightly bigger one to stay-out-of-the-baby-swing-dammit-why-don't-you-ever-listen-to-me more times than I can count.

By the time he arrived home I was a blubbering mess.  Red eyes, snot everywhere, everything about me screaming that I am balanced precariously on the raw edge of motherhood.  Ellie ran around saying, "Mommy sad?  Mommy frustrated?  I need a hug."  I couldn't silence the thoughts that I am truly, utterly failing.  I think I'm broken.  I think I'm not really cut out for this.  Why do I want so badly to just run away?  Do I not love them enough?

Being a mother is hard.
Just being a human is hard.
Feeling guilty about not doing it well is the worst.

Fast forward a bit.  Joe took the girls out for a walk to pick up Indian food for dinner.  He ordered me straight to bed for just a few blessed minutes of uninterrupted rest.  What a difference it made.  The baby cried late into the night, but when she was finally asleep I kept my earplugs in and drew a hot bath.  Never understood why my mom was so into bubble bath - but I get it now.  I picked out the bath toys, lit a candle, and poured the Johnson's baby shampoo under the running water.  It wasn't a spa exactly, but it was quiet and warm and it was the most peace I'd felt all day.

I had time to breathe and think, and I realized a few things.  It's really easy to feel like you're failing at the whole thing when you have a number of really awful days.  It's also easy to think you're crazy when yesterday found you playing at the park and smiling and laughing and today you are screaming and crying and grabbing at your hair.  These things just are.  It doesn't mean the whole system is broken.  It means you're overwhelmed and tired.  But you're not completely lost.

After a little soak in the tub I was able to accept myself.  Without dwelling in self-pity, I was able to recognize that sometimes life is just freaking hard.  It was a hard day.  Maybe tomorrow will be different.  Maybe it won't.  But one day soon will be different.  And through it all, I will be different.  Even if the only lesson I am able to learn is to forgive myself and move on, it will be an accomplishment indeed.

If anyone reading this falls victim to the notion that your neighbors are all doing it better than you, just stop.  I shared this really personal confession for you.  So you could know that I am your neighbor and I fully endorse crying and long soaks in the tub as healthy coping strategies for the really hard days.

14 comments:

  1. I love how honest you are and how well you express yourself. You're such a fantastic writer. Thanks for sharing.

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  2. Thank you for this post. I really needed it. Your girls are beautiful by the way :)

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  3. I wish I could say I never have days like that but that would be a complete and utter lie. Yesterday was one of those days and when Chris got home he found the last of the girl scout cookies (which made me cry because I thought they were all gone...what a tender mercy) and had me eat them in our room while he made the kids some dinner. It made all the difference in my perspective once the cookies were gone- I felt like I had a bit of my sanity back.

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  4. Oh man, I have those moments and I don't even have kids yet! Well I think you are an awesome mama and your little ones are so lucky to have you!

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  5. One of my treasured moments in life is dropping by your house and you opening the door with tears running down your eyes. The fact that you were willing to share that sad time with me makes me want to do that with others.

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  6. Sarah, yes to the girl scout cookies! We have an emergency stash of chocolate around here and I seem to blow through it. I can just see myself in 20 years on Biggest Loser, "Food was my only comfort in the years I was raising kids."

    A friend posted a comment a couple weeks ago and mentioned something about the rough weeks. I like that. Sometimes we think it's only OK to have a rough day or two. But seriously, these tough patches can drag on for longer than the occasional day.

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  7. I love these kinds of posts of yours, these real posts, so much. Its so nice to hear your thoughts and feelings. You are one of my favorite moms, btw.

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  8. Thank you. Logically we all know that everyone doesn't always have it all put together better than we do. But it sure feels that way sometimes!

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  9. Yep, I had those kind of days, too. Carl was two, and Dave was probably about 3 or 4 months and Hugh was doing training for a new job in another state. I remember laying in the floor at the top of the stairs crying my eyes out.......now here I am 30+ yrs later crying because I live too far away to help..........Love you, hang in there they really do grow up and turn into wonderful adults :)

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  10. Thanks so much for sharing this Whitney! I seriously feel like women who take care of more than one child at a time are super heroes. Seriously.

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  11. You know I love this kind of stuff. Being a mom is SO hard! When Ellie is 5 and Wren is 3, you will thank yourself for having them two years apart.

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  12. Amen to your last paragraph! We are so totally human and we all have very bad, no good, terrible days...just like that kids book.

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  13. It goes without saying that I loved this post.

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